#1. Your mascot is a tiger in a wheelchair
#2. Most famous alma-mater: the inventor of the “cheese inside the crust” pizza
#3. Your fight song is Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is”
#4. Diplomas written with crayon on the back of used Hamburger Hamlet placemats
#5. Tenured professors identifiable by teardrop tattoo
#6. Statue of university founder is in a fetal postion
#7. School advertises on urinal cakes
#8. Orientation includes chemical delousing
#9. Sign out front says WALK-INS WELCOME!
#10. Scholarships awarded via hottest buns contest
#11. President’s office has a condom machine in it
#12. All textbooks are from the Everyone Poops series
#13. Offers minor in “Winning Radio Contests”
#14. It’s the reason U.S. News introduced “Total Shithole” ranking
#15. Quad located in the median-strip of the New Jersey Turnpike
#16. Your senior thesis came back covered in gold stars and scratch-n-sniff stickers
#17. Marching band uses only hand-claps
#18. Community-service requirement is handing out half-off fliers in front of competing colleges
#19. Professors begin class with, “Let’s get our learn on!”
#20. Professors end class with, “Smell ya later, fags!”
#21. Banner over main gate reads OVER ONE MILLION TEACHED
#22. Dorms double as conjugal-visit trailers
#23. Merit-based scholarship based only on the ability to blow oneself
#24. One-free-hour of AOL with every two semesters completed
#25. Accepts only cash (“no bills larger than $20, thank you”)
#26. Still no official website, but one hell of a kick-ass MySpace page
#27. The dean has a reputation for being a bit of a “gash hound”
#28. Care packages confiscated and redistributed to senior faculty
#29. Endowment is whatever happens to be in the treasurer’s coin purse
#30. The college motto, translated from the Latin: “To Dry Retch”
#31. All awards in the trophy case are for chicken sexing
#32. Founder’s plaque reads ESTABLISHED THIS MANY FINGERS AGO
#33. Courses offered in-class, online, and drive-thru
#34. Faculty re-staffed daily by illegal immigrants brought in by pick-up truck
#35. Corey Feldman given honorary degree three years running
#36. Financial aid package consists of $10 and a pack of smokes
#37. Has a swim-up dining hall
#38. One robe passed from person to person in diploma line
#39. Campus has its own Green Zone
#40. You attend Harbard, Yole, or Pranceton
#41. Commencement ceremony is a live feed from a better school’s commencement ceremony
#42. Your favorite professor holds office hours in his taco truck
#43. Big man on campus is a 700-pound shut-in
#44. Freshmen choose between “swinger” and “square” dorms
#45. Founded in 1979 as a Fotomat
#46. Half of all student groups devoted to tanning
#47. Dorm doubles as poultry farm
#48. Health center run by the same dude who once sold you bad acid
#49. Faculty are permitted/encouraged to carry tasers
#50. Counseling Services is a candy dish of Adderall
#51. School dubiously characterizes itself as “accredited in all the right places.”
#52. At least once a month, your Humanities professor exclaims, “Enough of this boring shit. Who’s up for some freeze tag?”
#53. Offers a philosophy class based on Arsenio’s “Things That Make You Go Hmm . . .”
#54. Literary journal is mostly car-wash coupons
#55. Students draw straws to see who gets dissected in anatomy
#56. All students completing campus tour required to sign gag order
#57. Valedictorians are determined by a mixed-martial-arts cage match
#58. If your roommate commits suicide, you get a free iPod Shuffle
#59. Ivy is mostly poison sumac
#60. Tenure means being chained to a radiator
#61. All dining halls have posters with instructions for properly using a bib
#62. Offers only two study-abroad options: Bush Gardens or Epcot Center
#63. Homeless person sleeping in the periodicals room is what’s known as a “visiting professor”
#64. Only college with “& Grille” after its name
#65. Scientology recruiters keep their distance
#66. Four student protesters shot dead in 1970, but no one has yet noticed
#67. Endowment consists mostly of unredeemed Delta SkyMiles
#68. Has NCAA’s only cock-fighting program
#69. President accused of sexism for positing that women might be innately bad at pregnancy
#70. The only required reading: Don Diva magazine
#71. Astronomy professor frequently forgets which direction outer space is
#72. Acceptance letters are labeled with student’s name and “Or Current Resident”
#73. Late fee assessed for diplomas held more than three days
#74. Film students required to shoot with cell phones
#75. You had to take your M.C. Escher print off the wall because other students kept trying to step inside it
#76. Desks in classrooms are equipped with seatbelts
#77. Your meal plan is “24-Hour-All-You-Can-Eat Hot Wings”
#78. More than one academic building is dedicated to Carson Daly
#79. Chemistry labs use whatever can be shoplifted from Home Depot
#80. Known as one of the “Seven Stepsisters”
#81. Ranks number one in the country for amount of rival mascots murdered
#82. Shakespeare professors teach only from the Shakespeare in Love script
#83. When you graduated “Cum Laude” the word “cum” was written on your diploma in a sperm font
#84. Every time you answer a question in class, the professor says, “I guess you think you’re better than me.”
#85. Figure drawing classes have a strictly enforced “no touching” policy
#86. It offers an M.A. in Wood Shop
#87. Images of campus life in brochure are stills from Sorority House Massacre 2: Naughty Nightmare
#88. Provost walks around campus with a Burmese python around his neck
#89. You attend the only college that prides itself on its “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Diploma” policy
#90. You discovered you were eligible to graduate via a scratch-off ticket
#91. Your academic adviser spent most of your last session doing chin-ups
#92. The student bookstore has a curtained-off adult section
#93. Has an Assistant Dean of High-Fiving
#94. Your ethics professor wears a house arrest anklet
#95. The first time you brought a laptop to class, the other students thought you were a time-traveler from the future
#96. You found it through a “College Seeking Student” Craigslist ad
#97. When you tell a prospective employer your alma mater, he simply leans across his desk and smacks your face
#98. Boasts nation’s only Ph.D. program in street magic
#99. The English Department’s budget was slashed to help fund the university’s make-your-own-sundae bar
#100. Every three-hour lecture is required to have a 15-minute nap time
#101. Mid-terms include a free-throw contest
#102. Lecture halls have a two-drink minimum
#103. Campus built on top of an ancient Native American community college
#104. When you walked across the stage at graduation, the college chancellor fist-bumped you
#105. Doesn’t have a campus radio station but does have its own CB radio handle
#106. The “grading couch”
#2. Most famous alma-mater: the inventor of the “cheese inside the crust” pizza
#3. Your fight song is Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is”
#4. Diplomas written with crayon on the back of used Hamburger Hamlet placemats
#5. Tenured professors identifiable by teardrop tattoo
#6. Statue of university founder is in a fetal postion
#7. School advertises on urinal cakes
#8. Orientation includes chemical delousing
#9. Sign out front says WALK-INS WELCOME!
#10. Scholarships awarded via hottest buns contest
#11. President’s office has a condom machine in it
#12. All textbooks are from the Everyone Poops series
#13. Offers minor in “Winning Radio Contests”
#14. It’s the reason U.S. News introduced “Total Shithole” ranking
#15. Quad located in the median-strip of the New Jersey Turnpike
#16. Your senior thesis came back covered in gold stars and scratch-n-sniff stickers
#17. Marching band uses only hand-claps
#18. Community-service requirement is handing out half-off fliers in front of competing colleges
#19. Professors begin class with, “Let’s get our learn on!”
#20. Professors end class with, “Smell ya later, fags!”
#21. Banner over main gate reads OVER ONE MILLION TEACHED
#22. Dorms double as conjugal-visit trailers
#23. Merit-based scholarship based only on the ability to blow oneself
#24. One-free-hour of AOL with every two semesters completed
#25. Accepts only cash (“no bills larger than $20, thank you”)
#26. Still no official website, but one hell of a kick-ass MySpace page
#27. The dean has a reputation for being a bit of a “gash hound”
#28. Care packages confiscated and redistributed to senior faculty
#29. Endowment is whatever happens to be in the treasurer’s coin purse
#30. The college motto, translated from the Latin: “To Dry Retch”
#31. All awards in the trophy case are for chicken sexing
#32. Founder’s plaque reads ESTABLISHED THIS MANY FINGERS AGO
#33. Courses offered in-class, online, and drive-thru
#34. Faculty re-staffed daily by illegal immigrants brought in by pick-up truck
#35. Corey Feldman given honorary degree three years running
#36. Financial aid package consists of $10 and a pack of smokes
#37. Has a swim-up dining hall
#38. One robe passed from person to person in diploma line
#39. Campus has its own Green Zone
#40. You attend Harbard, Yole, or Pranceton
#41. Commencement ceremony is a live feed from a better school’s commencement ceremony
#42. Your favorite professor holds office hours in his taco truck
#43. Big man on campus is a 700-pound shut-in
#44. Freshmen choose between “swinger” and “square” dorms
#45. Founded in 1979 as a Fotomat
#46. Half of all student groups devoted to tanning
#47. Dorm doubles as poultry farm
#48. Health center run by the same dude who once sold you bad acid
#49. Faculty are permitted/encouraged to carry tasers
#50. Counseling Services is a candy dish of Adderall
#51. School dubiously characterizes itself as “accredited in all the right places.”
#52. At least once a month, your Humanities professor exclaims, “Enough of this boring shit. Who’s up for some freeze tag?”
#53. Offers a philosophy class based on Arsenio’s “Things That Make You Go Hmm . . .”
#54. Literary journal is mostly car-wash coupons
#55. Students draw straws to see who gets dissected in anatomy
#56. All students completing campus tour required to sign gag order
#57. Valedictorians are determined by a mixed-martial-arts cage match
#58. If your roommate commits suicide, you get a free iPod Shuffle
#59. Ivy is mostly poison sumac
#60. Tenure means being chained to a radiator
#61. All dining halls have posters with instructions for properly using a bib
#62. Offers only two study-abroad options: Bush Gardens or Epcot Center
#63. Homeless person sleeping in the periodicals room is what’s known as a “visiting professor”
#64. Only college with “& Grille” after its name
#65. Scientology recruiters keep their distance
#66. Four student protesters shot dead in 1970, but no one has yet noticed
#67. Endowment consists mostly of unredeemed Delta SkyMiles
#68. Has NCAA’s only cock-fighting program
#69. President accused of sexism for positing that women might be innately bad at pregnancy
#70. The only required reading: Don Diva magazine
#71. Astronomy professor frequently forgets which direction outer space is
#72. Acceptance letters are labeled with student’s name and “Or Current Resident”
#73. Late fee assessed for diplomas held more than three days
#74. Film students required to shoot with cell phones
#75. You had to take your M.C. Escher print off the wall because other students kept trying to step inside it
#76. Desks in classrooms are equipped with seatbelts
#77. Your meal plan is “24-Hour-All-You-Can-Eat Hot Wings”
#78. More than one academic building is dedicated to Carson Daly
#79. Chemistry labs use whatever can be shoplifted from Home Depot
#80. Known as one of the “Seven Stepsisters”
#81. Ranks number one in the country for amount of rival mascots murdered
#82. Shakespeare professors teach only from the Shakespeare in Love script
#83. When you graduated “Cum Laude” the word “cum” was written on your diploma in a sperm font
#84. Every time you answer a question in class, the professor says, “I guess you think you’re better than me.”
#85. Figure drawing classes have a strictly enforced “no touching” policy
#86. It offers an M.A. in Wood Shop
#87. Images of campus life in brochure are stills from Sorority House Massacre 2: Naughty Nightmare
#88. Provost walks around campus with a Burmese python around his neck
#89. You attend the only college that prides itself on its “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Diploma” policy
#90. You discovered you were eligible to graduate via a scratch-off ticket
#91. Your academic adviser spent most of your last session doing chin-ups
#92. The student bookstore has a curtained-off adult section
#93. Has an Assistant Dean of High-Fiving
#94. Your ethics professor wears a house arrest anklet
#95. The first time you brought a laptop to class, the other students thought you were a time-traveler from the future
#96. You found it through a “College Seeking Student” Craigslist ad
#97. When you tell a prospective employer your alma mater, he simply leans across his desk and smacks your face
#98. Boasts nation’s only Ph.D. program in street magic
#99. The English Department’s budget was slashed to help fund the university’s make-your-own-sundae bar
#100. Every three-hour lecture is required to have a 15-minute nap time
#101. Mid-terms include a free-throw contest
#102. Lecture halls have a two-drink minimum
#103. Campus built on top of an ancient Native American community college
#104. When you walked across the stage at graduation, the college chancellor fist-bumped you
#105. Doesn’t have a campus radio station but does have its own CB radio handle
#106. The “grading couch”
